Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
