when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Two words: nipple clamps
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