Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
