Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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