i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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