Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
