so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
