Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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