You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
