I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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