i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize