I wish I could teleport
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
God gave him joint rollers for hands
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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