It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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