i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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