I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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