my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
