i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
