He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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