I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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