That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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