I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
