There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
