my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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