I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
