Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
