Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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