did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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