I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
