he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
