u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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