im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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