Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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