im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
