we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
