So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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