And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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