My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize