Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
