so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
