If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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