i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
