I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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