Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you traded sex for a burrito?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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