I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Randomize
