Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
