I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
