It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize