I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
we're so committed to being not committed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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