it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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