Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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