Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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