No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It's just like the Real World with babies
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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