I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
