i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
my liver is dry heaving
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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