I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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