i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
