I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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