Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
