I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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